After thumbing through my abundance of post, it definitely seems that when I left Arkansas in 2011, I also left behind my desire to write because I couldn't find a journalism position in Texas. I see the beauty in that confusion and I realize how it helped to birth an entirely different part of myself that was hiding behind dead skin.
The past 10-years have been as far from easy as the Earth from the Sun, but I've made it!
Through my divorce, failed relationship with my children's father, and changing careers I have truly demonstrated my resilience and grit.
After some trying days as I journey toward a few career advancements and as I prepare to begin my M.Ed. classes once again in June, I could tell that this COVID-19 pandemic is genuinely taking a toll on my spirit.
This morning I walked into my kitchen and looked into the back yard only to see a small black cat lounged on my patio table. After a year and a half of living in this house, I had never seen this random black cat that had found his way into my gated sanctuary. He stared at me, I stared back, I boldly asked him what he was doing as if I were Dr. Doolittle himself, and then he looked back as if he was telling me that I knew why he was there.
Since I am the self-proclaimed, "Google Queen", I quickly began searching "Black Cats Outside My Window". According to the post I read, "The Symbolic meaning of cats is that of protection and guardianship."
I wouldn't necessarily consider symbolic-meanings.com as the most reputable source, but as I scrolled down further I read, "The appearance of these cats is also very promising because it tells me that you and your family are protected against energy that may thwart you from launching new ideas. You all are guarded against trivial, bothersome set-backs."Last night I sat in my car in the driveway solo, listening to the radio with my bottle of wine, feeling as if I was reliving some "Waiting to Exhale/Angel Basset" movie, and yelled out to God asking him, "WHY!?!"
I might be slightly dramatic, but when you're approaching 33 and have a tendency to measure yourself based on your accomplishments, you often have random outtakes after self-reflection moments.
This morning as I attempted to redirect myself with a workout, I peddled on and begin watching, "The Photograph." The opening scene pans to an artist being interviewed. As they begin, she's asked what she enjoyed about New York, "I like my work...I like being a mother," she hesitated and looked into the distance clearly disturbed by her inner voice. The off-camera interviewer then asks, "What are you thinking?" and then she replies, "I wish I was as good at love as I am at working, I wish I didn't leave people behind so often."
A chill ran through my body because just hours before I mumbled nearly those exact words on the telephone. My career has been what I had a grip on over the past years...however, the later... is like a ship lost at sea.
At this moment looking back, I think the Black Cat might just be protecting me from me.
